


A Year to Regret

by godofpancakes (Vera_DragonMuse)



Series: Dinerverse [2]
Category: Thor (2011)
Genre: M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-18
Updated: 2011-07-18
Packaged: 2017-10-21 13:03:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/225485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vera_DragonMuse/pseuds/godofpancakes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>With Thor on his couch, Loki tells Darcy the truth about where he came from and the crime that sent him into exile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Kneeling on the dirty tile of the diner was not how he had pictured facing his brother again. The aftereffects of the earthquake still littered the floor and he had to be careful where he put his knees. With shaking fingers, he checked for a pulse and found it rapid, but strong. The skin under his hand greeted him with familiar warmth.

“What the hell is all this then?” Alma loomed over him still holding a full tray of glasses. “And why is it on my floor?”

“A friend of mine from the college.” He lied glibly. When she looked over the tattered red cape and tarnished armor with a disdainful sniff, he grimaced. “He’s really into historical reenactment.”

“I don’t want drunks in here.” She grunted.

“I’ll take him back to my place and let him sleep it off.” He assured her.

“Leaving me alone with the dinner rush and all the clean up from that damn quake. It figures. You can’t get good help anywhere these days.” Grousing, she limped off and he took that as permission leave. He hefted Thor upwards and attempted to hold the door open with one leg.

He whispered in his brother’s ear, “It would be helpful if you rediscovered how to walk right about now.”

The mighty hammer of the gods banged into his thigh as he walked the two hundred pounds of solid muscle across the street, sweating with exertion. The flight of stairs almost did him in. Only many nights of practice managing a drunken Darcy when he was in a less than sober state himself saved him. When he finally dropped Thor less than gently onto the couch, his arms ached from the effort. Thor didn't even stir.

Something terrible had happened to him. An ugly cut marred the fair skin of Thor’s cheek, healing sluggishly as he watched. Dirt and dried blood stained almost every inch of barred skin suggesting worse injuries had already come and gone. He’d probably passed out from sheer exertion and lack of sleep. Little else could lay Thor low.

He rose on trembling legs to wet a clean dishtowel and a bowl of water. Gently, he washed exposed skin, getting up to spill muddied pink water down the drain and refill the bowl dozens of times. Under the dirt, faint traces of healed wounds overlapped each other in splatters like a Jackson Pollack. What had he been doing? Where had he been?

Carefully he detached Thor’s cloak and breastplate then pried off his boots. The smell was so awful, he wound up washing his feet as well. He ghosted a hand over Mjolnir’s hilt, but didn’t attempt to remove it from Thor’s side. The hammer gave off a dim version of it’s usual hum, tickling his palm in tired warning.

“Loki.” Thor rumbled, tossing uneasily in his sleep. A thrill trembled through him at hearing his real name from familiar lips. Names had power.

“Shhhh.” He took one flailing hand in his own. “I’m here...I’m here.”

Keys jangled and his heart sank. He’d hoped for more time. At the very least to find out Thor’s motives. Darcy exploded through the front door in a windstorm of papers and overstuffed bags.

“Oh my God, who is that?” She stopped dead a few feet from the couch. “What’s he wearing?”

“I don’t suppose I could tell you to ignore him?” He asked hopefully.

“Jack, there is a huge dirty man in a dress on my couch.” She said slowly. “Give me one good reason not to taze him from here to eternity.”

“It’s not a dress.” He buried his face in his hands, blood roaring in his ears. “You should get a drink and sit down.”

“Jack-” She started and for a moment, he wished desperately that every lie he had told over the past year was true. He wanted to be her Jack and that alone. How much simpler that would be.

“My name isn’t Jack.” He tugged at the end of the ponytail she had talked him into keeping. “It’s Loki and this is my brother, Thor.”

She stared blankly at him, waiting for the punchline. When none was forthcoming, she swallowed hard and asked,

“You remembered?”

“I never forgot.” It was harder to admit then he imagined and he stared at Thor’s face rather than see whatever emotion crossed hers. “Being who I was could have gotten you all into an ugly mess...I know that’s no excuse, but if Jane knew even a little, she wouldn’t have stopped until they were on her and I couldn’t...didn’t want that to be my fault. I was exiled here, this was meant to be a punishment. But it hasn’t been. I’ve loved every minute of being here, being your friend. It’s...this year has been the best thing that’s ever...”

He stopped to take a stuttering breath, trying to stem the flow of emotion overwhelming him. Darcy was silent and he plunged on, pushing past the growing ache lodged in his chest.

“You were right that day in the diner. I was better off here. No one...I thought no one wanted me. I don’t know what he’s doing here. I never thought anyone would come for me.” He glanced at Thor. “ I...I’m so sorry, Darcy.”

“I knew.” She laughed weakly, the last of her bags dropping to the floor in a sprawling mess.

“What?” He stared blankly at her.

“ I mean not all of it and I still don’t really understand, but Jane told me that you remembered something and couldn’t tell us.” She wrapped an arm around his waist, leaning her head onto his arm like she did when she’d had a bad day. Relieved and touched, he put his arm over her shoulders. “I didn’t mind. I figured you had a good reason to lie.”

“It’s unbelievably good.” He assured her. “Mostly because you’ll think I’m crazy.”

“Oh, I already think that.” She teased. “So Loki...Thor. Sounds familiar.”

“Norse myth.”

“So...your parents were really into mythology?”

“Our parents are mythology.”

He explained as best he could watching as her eyes got wider and wider.

“So you’re a god.” She wrinkled her nose. “That doesn’t seem very likely. You can’t even keep a plant alive.”

“I _was_ a god. And anyway, that plant had it coming.” He smiled weakly at her, but she’d smelled the blood in the water.

“So what happened? Why are you an ex-god?”

“I don’t want to tell you.” He grimaced down at his hands. “I’m not a good person, Darc. The things I’ve done...”

“You’re still my friend.” She crossed her arms over her chest and stared him down. “I just know more about you now. I think you’ve kept your secrets long enough.”

“I-”

“Damnit, I’ve got a right to know! If I’ve been housing a known criminal, shouldn’t I know what he’s done?” She took his hand, squeezing it. “So what’d you do? Kick a thousand puppies? Commit genocide?”

“No.” He turned from her to look over his brother’s sleeping form. “I perverted something beautiful.”


	2. Blood and Bone

You must understand that in Asgard, I was ugly. Dark haired, too pale and weak for even the most exotic of tastes. Had I been willing to bend, perhaps I would have managed to fit in. If I had fought like a true warrior instead of spending my days bent over books, then my looks could have been a surmountable obstacle.

Instead, I rebelled as so many children do. I studied books that lay unread in the family library for millennium. Magic came to me with the ease that my agemates found in their weapons training. Unfortunately, immaturity coupled with rejection and skill do not lead to moral fortitude. I became well known for my pranks, some funny, some cruel, and soon no one dared to cross the King’s other son, even if he looked harmless.

Everyone, except for my brother. I wanted his respect and pride with a heat that bordered on obsession. Thor was everything that I was not, a perfect Asgardian son. For his coming of age Father gave him Mjolnir, a hammer of great power and it swelled his ego nine-fold. His arrogance repulsed me, even as his warm affection kept me at his side. When all others turned their backs to me, Thor defended me and kept me from harm.

So of course, I had to distance myself from him. I needed nor wanted protection and kindness. Slowly, I put walls up between us. It became painfully obvious that he barely noticed the difference. My loneliness only increased while he was as happy as ever.

Then it was my turn to come of age. I cannot tell you how old I was precisely. Time is counted differently and doubtless, you would think me ancient if I told you the number of years I have drawn breath. All I can tell you is that emotionally and in the eyes of my people, I was a child still. Coming of age would mark the beginning of my manhood and a putting aside of childish things.

What I did to earn it hardly matters as I cheated outrageously. The tests we endure are meant for a warrior and I was no such thing. In the end, no one detected my trickery and the party was thrown. It was as grand as my brother’s if rather less well attended and I eagerly awaited my father’s gift. If Thor received Mjolnir then surely I was entitled to something of equal value. After all, hadn’t my father told me for years that we were equals? I had not yet discovered that this was a bitter lie.

“Odinson, kneel.” My mother called to me as I entered the hall. “Kneel before your king as a boy.”

“My lady.” I knelt before the throne, head bowed.

“Rise.” Odin commanded. “Rise as a man.”

“You bring our family honor.” Odin laid his hand on my head, my heart singing with the praise. “Loki, my son, this day you are a man and I give to you a precious gift.”

When I tell you that what he laid in my hands was a book, you will not understand the enormity of the insult. I read prodigiously, of course, but no one else thought this a good quality. Books were feminine, foolish things. My brother had been given one of our most precious artifacts. I was given a slight.

“Thank you, Father.”

To this day I'm proud my voice didn't shake with anger. The gilt edged spine informed me that the book was a rare one. Many idle hours I had spent in search of it and the secrets in contained. I should have been excited. I dug for some crumb of pleasure, when I heard muffled laughter. I did not need to turn to know who had laughed. My greatest ally, my darling brother. It was a quiet laugh, but it spread through his idiot friends until they all tittered like agitated birds.

My rage seethed and built like a tidal wave. Even then though, my revenge was of the mildest kind. Had I known what would have followed...I do not know what I would have done differently. I don’t know which one of us started on the terrible path we choose or what we could have changed.

Not long afterward, Thor discovered my petty trick.

“Loki! Open the door or I’m breaking it down!”

The walls of my room shuttered, vibrating any number of delicate glassworks dangerously. When the door flew open, Thor was a picture of rage, face flushed and eyes narrowed.

“What do you want?” I asked, yawning to cover a wicked grin.

“You know exactly what.” Thor pushed past me and my nose filled with the pungent odor of a man fresh from battle. He had persevered then and finished his time in the arena before coming here.

“I’m at a loss, truly.”

"This." Thor held up Mjolnir. A silky pink ribbon circled the hammer in a love-knot, holding in place several forget-me-nots and violets. I though the effect was quite sweet. "I'd like it off. Now."

"We'd all like things." I kept myself impassive. "Not being mocked on the most important day of my life, for instance. But we cannot always get what we like, can we?"

Mjolnir dropped to the ground with a resounding thud, cracking the flagstone. His hands were on me in an instant giving a hard shake that rattled my teeth.

"I said remove it."

"I see no reason to cave to you when you're in the mood to bully."

"This is an insult!" He tossed me back and I caught myself on a shelf.

"It's just a ribbon.”I sighed theatrically. “A harmless trifle.”

“You’re trying my patience.” Thor warned. “Remove it and I will go on my way.”

"What patience?" I spat back, fed up and burning with rage. "You who have to wait for nothing! Try for nothing! You get it or you tantrum like a child. No. Not _like_ one. You are a child. An immature, pathetic, angry child."

Too late, I saw that I had pushed him too far. Once it would have ended playfully. We had roughhoused all the time as boys. Even as unequal as we were in strength, I was an excellent escapist. Maybe we would have both come away winded, but relatively unharmed. We may even have laughed afterward. No longer.

There was no time for persuasion or magic. Only time to see the punch coming and turn my head to protect my eyes and nose. His fist landed hard, breaking across my jaw like a wave. Something cracked.

"Loki-I didn't....I didn't mean it." He sounded gutted, but I wasn’t inclined to give him any quarter, even as his arm wrapped around my waist and helped me to sit on the edge of my bed. "I'm sorry."

It took a monumental effort to speak, jagged spikes of pain lancing through my skull every time my mouth moved.

"Get mother. Don't. Tell her…you did it. On purpose. Wrestling. Accident.”

"All right. I'm...Loki..." Not for the first time, Thor seemed at a loss for words. He reached out and touched my hair gently, before turning tail and running for mother.

I allowed myself a single sob of pain and anger when he was gone. I had to show a good face for mother when she came and it wouldn’t do to be a teary mess. The pain helped steady my thoughts. Revenge pulsed at the forefront. I had played a silly trick, mild vengeance for a far greater slight. Whatever I did next would make him long for that pink ribbon. His ego needed to be taken down a peg. I would humble Thor. Humiliate him.

You’re thinking about David, I can tell. Why did I allow him to punch me and then deny myself any kind of retribution? Because of this, Darcy. I like to think I learn from my mistakes.

By the time mother arrived to heal me, the beginnings of a plan had started to take shape.

“Oh, Loki.” Her warm hands cupped my face and her lips grazing my forehead. “Hold still.”

I put my scheming on hold to enjoy the brief pleasure of having her whole attention. Mother healed me with tender care and I longed to confess all to her as I did as a small child. Then I saw Thor hovering nervously over her shoulder and bit my tongue.

“You shouldn’t play so rough with your brother.” Mother scolded him as my bones knit back together.

“I-” Thor began, but I interrupted him swiftly.

“It was my fault.” I attempted to smile though the right half of my face was not yet cooperating. “Anyway, we’ll know better for next time.”

“If you say so.” She tsked skeptically, but didn’t bother following up with more questions. Content that all was mended, she kissed my forehead again and left.

My tongue shaped a few crucial words and the poesy and ribbon fell away from Thor’s hammer.

"I deserve to be punished for that. You should let me tell the truth." Thor followed the ribbon's path to the ground, kneeling before me. It was a pleasing sight.

"It's more a punishment for you to lie, I think. It will grate at you and make you miserable for a while.” I shrugged. “Better than father giving you a tap on the nose and telling me I should man up again."

"I need to learn to control my temper.” He looked remarkably penitent. “What if I’d...”

"I would have stopped you." Could I? Not with my mouth broken, my tongue silenced. "You wouldn't kill me, anyway."

"...I wouldn't." In a frighteningly fast move, Thor tangled around me, wrapping me in a suffocating embrace. "I love you, brother."

"I'm sorry about the ribbon. It was just a silly joke." Humbleness was one of the first things I’d learned to fake. People loved humble apologies.

"And I shouldn't have gotten so upset about it." Thor spoke softly, not pulling back. "And you're right. I shouldn't make jokes at your expense like I do."

"It's nothing." I swallowed hard, strengthening my resolve. Apologies were meaningless, after all. Thor would never change. "I…it was nothing, but it got under my skin and rattled there.”

”That isn't any way to treat my brother and best friend, though."

"I haven't been your best friend in a long time." I had to pull away from him before he drugged me with his casual kindness.

"Still my brother, though, right?"

"Don't be an idiot. You didn't punch me hard enough to split the family tree."

We laughed together and for Thor, aside from some residual guilt, that could have been the end of it. Unfortunately, his sweet apologies only grated on me, intensifying my spite.


	3. Best Laid Plans

The plan started simply enough. Thor had lately taken to bedding any lady bold enough to offer. For my part, Father had already discovered my perversion when I was still of a tender age and forced me to swear never to tell anyone about my predilection for men. As far as I understood it, I was the only one in all of Asgard who felt that way, alone again in my perversion. The shame of it weighted heavily on me and at the time, I could think of no worse punishment.

Don’t...don’t get angry on my behalf, I don’t think I can handle that right now. You’ve helped me with this enough already. Hold your tears until you hear what I’ve done and then decide if I’m worth them.

I decided that the best way to wound Thor was to lend him my own humiliation. I would create the perfect lover for him. I led him on with notes and tokens that stood out from that faceless crowd with their wit and secrecy. My imaginary admirer even visited him once while he slept and left behind a scented handkerchief. Thor being who he was, would chase her, I knew. Would do everything in his power to arrange a meeting and when he met her, he would find a man. Not me, of course. I was adept enough at illusion already to look like someone else.

The crowning moment of this plan was to lead him somewhere dark enough that he would not guess his ardent lover’s gender until they had already shared a few intimate moments. Let him know the pain of interest in someone forbidden. I would blackmail him for the rest of our lives with the knowledge. Again, not as myself. All this was to be done without him knowing the architect of his downfall.

Which made it was rather inconvenient when he invited me along to his seduction.

I spent hours sitting outside of our shared balcony, the only link conjoining our suites. I preferred to read or practice my magic in the open air. Most of the time he avoided it, ceding the space to me. I was in the middle of a complicated cantrip when he found me, but for once he waited patiently until I finished and acknowledged him.. Between the punch and that moment, I doubt I had seen him for more than ten seconds at a time. I assumed the shame of his actions coupled with the excitement of a new potential lover had kept him away.

“Hello.”

“Hello.” I lifted an eyebrow. “What do you want?”

“Can’t I just come and say hello to my brother?”

“No. What do you want?”

"What do you say we just...run off and go camping for a few days?"

“Why?” My surprise was genuine. I had assumed he’d bring someone with him. Even Thor could sense a potential trap in a too ardent suitor, but I had thought it would be one of his friends. Certainly not me.

“I miss you.” Thor offered, his smile wobbling only a little around the edges. “After what I did...it made me think. We haven’t spent time together lately.”

"Are you seriously proposing that we just run off? I doubt anyone will care if I do, but you know they'll send an army after you." It was too perfect, but then I remembered who I was dealing with. Thor didn’t connive. He rarely planned anything at all.

"Can't you just make some magical version of me to run around?" Thor laughed. "Really, I'll make some excuse up."

“You’re terrible at lying.” I sighed as if thinking it over. “It's too hot to be in the palace this time of year anyway. The woods will be much cooler.”

“I’ve heard rumors of some ruins to the south that got uncovered by an earthquake.” Rumors, letters from a sweet tongued lady telling you...same thing to Thor apparently. So he didn’t intend to tell me the real reason behind this brotherly bonding exercise. Typical. “I know how you like that kind of thing.”

“Ruins?” I ran my tongue over my teeth. “Yes, that could be interesting.”

Four hours later, we were headed outward weighted down by heavy packs. I forged the path, armed with my compass and many practice trips. Thor was in a fine mood, whistling and talking about nonsense.

"Tell me what you've been working in the arena then." I asked, not out of genuine interest, but it wouldn’t hurt to feign some.

"More of the same. Hand to hand combat. Actually bested the tutor once then lost several times over. Without losing my temper." He offered this tidbit up with such clear hope of approval that I had to smile at him and pat his arm.

"Good for you." I feared Thor's temper, only recently for myself, but always for what it meant Asgard. Whatever else my flaws, I did love my realm. A king as reckless and quick-tempered as Thor on the throne might bring it to it’s knees. "You can be taught."

"Yes, like a very large dog." Thor grimaced.

"You're smarter than a dog." I assured him. "Unless you’re drunk."

"At least I'm a happy drunk." Thor winked, spinning his hammer in his hand casually. Of course he had brought it.

"I shudder to think what would happen if you weren't. As it is, the poor banquet table will never be the same again."

"It simply gave it character."

"The character of being broken." I shook my head. "Anyway, you seemed to think it was hilarious at the time."

"And you didn't?" Thor started to walk backwards, a delicate dig at my own slower pace doubtless.

"Oh, it was very funny." I kicked branches out of Thor's heedless way. "Particularly when you passed out."

"Well you made sure I remembered it." Thor shook his head. "You did leave me that note attached to my forehead."

"It taught you a lesson and it was funny.”

"Volstagg and the others did agree with you." Thor didn’t look offended. Why was it that things like that bounced gracefully off of him and a pink ribbon brought him to blows?

"They recognize a certain kind of humor when they see it. Sif said she particularly liked the detailed anatomical drawing."

"You two both enjoy doing things at my expense most days." Thor snorted.

"And she's cheeky." We had an accord, Sif and I, unspoken, but strong. We didn’t get along, but freaks have to stick together. I never tricked her and she never laughed at me. "Of course she could also beat me into submission if I crossed her, but that's fair enough."

"You'd probably enjoy it." Thor chuckled, and after almost tripping on a stone, turned around to focus on walking.

"I don't think that's my particular sexual interest." I pretended to weigh the idea, grateful for the opportunity to bring up such matters. I could gear the conversation back to him and his waiting new lover in no time. "Pain holds no pleasure for me.”

"You're so clinical about it, Loki." Thor shook his head. "It isn't something to coldly study."

"It's not clinical. I don't like pain, it's never aroused me. I know plenty of men who would like to bed Sif because of her strength, but that's never interested me either."

"That isn't what I meant." Thor chuckled low, shaking his head.

"What did you mean then?"

"Just..." Was that a hint of pink flushing over Thor’s cheeks? "You'll understand when you actually do something."

“I don’t understand why.” I goaded, interested to see if the flush would grow. It wasn’t like Thor to play the prude. "I don't see how fumbling in a dark closet with someone will enlighten me."

"So not doing anything will enlighten you more?"

“I’m doing something.” I replied haughtily. "I can manage on my own."

"Being by yourself and actually doing something with another are highly different experiences." He laughed. "You'll see."

"I do possess an imagination, but it's moot anyway, isn't it? The few that have shown interest in me weren't exactly interested in me."

"And what does that mean?" Thor turned a curious look at me, wrinkling his usually smooth brow.

"They want me because of what I can provide. Safety and potential power. Or in one case, because of my youth which was...disturbing." Thinking of that incident could still make my skin crawl, I repressed a shiver despite the heat.

"And who exactly were they?" He was slowing, his curiosity turning to abject horror and anger.

"I took care of it. She walks with a limp now and she cannot hurt anyone else ever again. It was oh...seven years ago." The press of her body against mine had filled my throat with bile, even as I dug my knife into her. "She paid amply. I can fight some battles on my own."

"...seven?"

"Well, I'd be too old for her now, I'd imagine. She preferred her boys to sing with a soprano." I shrugged. "I rendered her unable to act on her desires.”

"I wish you had told me. I know you can handle yourself but-"

"But what? I had to prove that I wouldn't be made a victim.”

"I still wish I'd known."

"I'm telling you now.” The conversation had definitely veered from it’s intended path. "I'm not sure why this is bothering you."

"...you really can’'t see why?" Sadness replaced his growing rage and I struggled to make heads or tails of it.

"No, I can't. She didn't get a chance to do more than talk and back me into a corner. I may not fight as well as you, but I can certainly protect myself.” I walked faster, determined to show no emotion over it. It had all been a long time ago and come to nothing. No use dwelling on it. "My point was that I cannot have experience if no one is willing to participate. I suppose I could always pay someone.”

“You're not paying someone, Loki." Thor was definitely flushed now though hard to tell if it was from the heat or anger.

"Is that an order?" I tried for teasing, but some of my confused irritation must have colored it.

"Yes." He shook his head, stalking forward, quickening the pace until we were both to breathless to talk.

The sullen silence sat uneasily between us all the way to the campsite and well into the night. When he retreated to the tent, I stayed awake looking up at the stars. Something was going wrong. My plan which had made perfect sense back home now looked flimsy under the night sky. Thor’s reactions were all wrong. He should be bragging about his newest conquest, eager to tell me everything. Instead, he’d taken it in his head to be wounded about a confession I didn't know I should have given.

"Communing with the dark spirits?"

Thor sank down to the grass beside me. He’d removed most of his armor to sleep, only a thin white tunic covering him. Even the moonlight favored him, painting his hair gold and glittering. Without the added bulk, he was the brother I remembered admiring as a child: handsome, confident and full of fun.

"Something like that. Having a conference with the voices in my heads more like." I laughed a little as I spoke, but it didn’t seem to cheer him.

"About what?"

"Nothing of import."

"...all right." In the darkness, I could barely make out Thor’s expression, but it seemed tight. "Just..."

"Just what?"

"I wish I knew, sometimes. Where you went when you contemplate those things."

"I don't know. Into myself, I suppose." It wasn’t something I’d given a great deal of thought to. "I like to work things over. Why? Where do you think I go?"

“Somewhere I can’t follow." He sounded melancholy as though the thought depressed him. I often felt like we were miles apart in the same room, let alone want to go into the secret places in his head.

"Would you like to? Strange." I picked idly at the grass.

"I don't always understand you." Thor turned his face up to the stars. "Forget it."

"I don't know how to explain myself." I chewed on the inside of my cheek, a nervous habit I thought I had long outgrown. "It's quiet. A quiet place to talk to myself and figure out what I want. It's not always clear to me. If I couldn’t do that, I think I’d go mad."

“My head is rarely quiet.”

“I know.”

“You should sleep.” Thor levered himself up. “Or we won’t reach your ruins tomorrow.”

When had they become my ruins? He reached down for my hand, pulling me to my feet. For the briefest instant, we were so close together that I could feel his breath on my face. He cleared his throat loudly, then turned to walk back to the tent. Hot confusion left me trailing after, settling down for a sleepless night of listening to his even breathing. Watching almost tenderly over him, I imagined serving him as my king. A black and white smudge on an otherwise golden history.

When he woke in the morning, I had already started on breakfast; reheating sausage and toasting the bread I had stolen from the kitchens. We ate quietly, yesterday’s tension bled out of us while we slept. It was companionable and the walk to our destination more pleasurable because of it.

The ruins were everything I remembered. The forest had grown over most of what was left of the old buildings, leaving leafy shadows of former glory. The cool marble hidden under vines felt almost alive to the touch.

"There was a city here once, to rival the palace. Forest fires took it, thousands of years ago." I lectured absently. “I read that it was built to celebrate the end of great war so that it might never be forgotten. And now it has been.”

"You were always one to study." Thor spoke softly, putting his hammer down, as if bringing it into the place would sully it, somehow. Looking around, he let his own hands trail over the details, the broken pieces. Did it touch or humble him? Asking would most likely lead only to laughter, so I let it pass.

"Mmm." As we penetrated deeper, I called out a warning. "The ground may not be safe, step lively."

"Oh so I'm going to fall through?" He called back, an amused smirk already forming. He hopped once on the ground, and as if to spite him, the floor did give way. For a heartbeat, I was sure he’d plunged to his death. I ran, heedless of my own footing to find him clinging to the mouth of the cave by his fingertips, darkness below.

"Have I mentioned lately that you are an idiot?" I huffed a relieved sigh, leaning down to get a grip on both his forearms and help him up. "Do you think I say these things because they amuse me?"

"I have to give you something to do." Thor teased, dusting himself off. I resisted throwing him back down the hole just to be done with it all. I would, I realized miserably, miss him if he were gone.

"I have enough to think about, thank you very much."

Brushing the dirt from his back, I tried to ignore my racing pulse. One day, I wouldn’t be there when he did something stupid. What then? The crown would come to me. Bile rose to the back of my throat. Acidic jealousy and heated affection warred with me every time I looked at him. My face must have shown some trace of my inner war because he stopped smiling and reached for me.

"...are you all right? I'm not harmed, and I'll be more careful, it if worries you so much." He reached out to squeeze my shoulder.

"I always worry about you." I waved him off. "It's gotten so I don't even notice it anymore. Faint background hum that occasionally spikes when you do something truly ridiculous."

“Loki-” Thor started to say.

"Legend tells of a gold pillar." I cut him off ruthlessly. "It marked the entrance to throne room."

"Well that's the one I'll be looking for, then." Walking more carefully now, Thor started checking the stone at random for hints of gold leaf.

"Of course it is, that's why I told you." I tried on a smile. It hung awkwardly. "I know you need something to find or you'll get bored and fall into a pit just for excitement.”

"What’s under the ground here?" Thor smirked, moving back towards the edge of the hole that had nearly claimed his life. "Now that could be an adventure, exploring it."

"Mostly old basements." Why the interest? A lady would never ask to meet somewhere dangerous. The scheduled meeting wasn’t for today anyway, but tomorrow. Did he want the lay of the land just in case? That didn’t sound like my impulsive brother. "Probably a lot of pottery. People did take most of their things with them, they had warning about the fires."

"Catacombs..." Thor ran his fingers through his beard absently.

"If you want to explore them, we'll need different equipment. We don't have torches and I can't keep a magical light going for more than an hour."

"Oh is my little brother afraid of a little darkness?"

...and thank you, Thor, I thought grimly, for reminding me why I shouldn’t feel guilty about doing this.

"You said you could handle light for about an hour, right? We could do a quick look see."

"Shouldn't be a problem. I'm well rested and haven't used a lot of magic today yet. Let's find somewhere suitable." It couldn’t hurt to let him see where his love intended to meet him, I figured. “I’m not jumping into dark, unexplored holes.”

It took well over an hour for Thor found the correct entrance, artfully hidden by overgrown branches and ivy. He waited impatiently for me to whisper a breath over my fingertips, coaxing the conjured flame to rise bright and high. It gathered sluggishly. Despite it being the first spell I ever learned, it had never come as natural to me as all the rest. The fire didn’t burn me exactly, but it cramped my fingers and bit restlessly at my bones. An hour was the absolute maximum amount of time I could hold it without my hand spasming in agony.

Fire lit, we pushed past the vines into the darkness of the caves. I had picked this spot for it’s impenetrable night though I wondered now at my own plans. Why had I not just plunged his bedroom into darkness? Overly elaborate and melodramatic, I decided. Something to work on next time.

“Still as death.” I said. The flickering light barely penetrated the dark, giving us only glimpses of the cave walls. “Perfect spot for a tomb.”

"It probably was, at one point." Unconsciously, Thor shifted closer to my side and the light. Who was afraid of the dark now, big brother?

"It's almost beautiful though. I can see where it might have been in the slopes of the wall. If it was a tomb, they cared for their dead well." I encouraged the flames to jump higher, the shadows neatly hiding my wince of pain.

“A fitting place to lay while the soul is in Valhalla." Thor smiled softly, moving over to one of the walls, touching it reverently.

"I think I'd like to be buried directly into the ground." I mused following closely behind. "Return to the earth."

"Better put that in your will, Loki." The chuckle that followed was nearly morbid. "Or you'll be burned like the rest of us."

The thought of being consumed by fire made my skin crawl.

"Do you hear water?"

"Maybe. Your ears are better than mine, I'll follow you."

I took point, holding the flame out and watching my feet. The sound grew louder and soon revealed itself: a crack high in the stone spilled water into a crystal clear stream that twisted in the caves depths. My light picked out tiny rainbows that flickered over the pounding surface. I had never penetrated this far into the cave and it took me off guard to see such a beautiful thing where I meant to perpetrate ugliness.

"Look at that." Thor whistled low, moving closer to get a better look of the entire scene. "See, I told you it was good idea to come down here."

"You were right." I wanted to inspect it further, but the flames were starting hurt. "Hold out your hand."

Without question, Thor proffered his hand. Trust. Who else in this realm would offer such a thing to me? Even our mother, loving and warm, would not be so quick to offer me her palm without first knowing my designs. Delicately, I poured the flame into Thor’s hand. It took, glowing there. I clenched and unclenched my freed hand.

"...huh." Thor's raised his palm up, the flames illuminating his expression. He looked...happy. Why happy? Did he approve of the trysting spot perhaps? "Does it bother you?"

"Does what bother me?" I dipped my hand into the water. It was freezing, fresh from some mountain source and numbed the pain instantly.

"The flames. You only hold your hand like that after you’ve punched someone." Unfortunately, Thor's lack of magic had the flame already spluttering in his hand.

"It's embarrassing." I flexed my fingers under the water. "Fire is the first thing you learn. It's supposed to be simple."

"You seem to do it well enough." The flame finally went out, and we were doused into darkness. "Better than me, at least."

"It's not a matter of well." I reached into the inner darkness that held my magic and blew a new flame onto my other hand. The fire rose reluctantly, flickering uneasily. "It's just not as easy as it should be.”

"We don't really need the light now, do we? Our eyes will adjust. Save it for when we need to get out.” Thor sat, pulling his boots off, letting his feet dangle in the cool water.

Tomorrow, I would find a reason to go off on my own. He would return to this spot on orders of his lover. Tomorrow, I would bring his ruin. Today though... I took off my shoes and sat beside him, close enough that I could feel the warmth of his skin on mine.

"Good point." I blew the flame out, casting us into complete darkness. The draining of light pulled some strain of honesty from me. "I've engineered some of our distance. You can stop beating yourself up about it."

"Beating myself up about what?" Something touched me and I jumped before it resolved itself into a hand. Thor’s hand pressing against my back. A slick, sick burst of pleasure rattled through me. Why? It was only the touch of reassurance in the dark.

"I know you. Since I told you about taking care of that woman, you’ve been thinking about it. You don’t like that I didn’t tell you. You think that it’s your fault. That you created this distance between us. You didn’t."

"I still didn't pay attention to you like I should have. I got wrapped up in myself." Thor sighed, the stir of air lifting the tiny hairs at the back of my neck. How close was he? "You're my best friend, Loki. I took you for granted, and cast you off for other things."

"I did it." I protested, the control of this situation rapidly slipping away from me. "I made myself invisible so you'd forget me. I didn't confide in you. I hid. I wanted...I don’t know. I wanted to prove I could do it on my own. It was foolish of me in retrospect, but I was only a child."

So grown up now, I mocked myself, so wise with time.

"Yet you kept it up for a damned long time." Thor snorted."I guess I could blame you for how arrogant I become. You were always the one to keep me in check."

"You can if you want. I thought I was doing the right thing." The confession came out hoarse and ragged. "I've been lonely."

"I'm sorry." Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, Thor pulled me to him. He tangled one hand in my hair, petting me like a small child. "You have my undivided attention now. You know, you blame yourself for a great deal of things. But I rarely think they're your fault."

"I'm telling you I did it on purpose and you're defending me from myself." I laughed hoarsely. "You're ridiculous."

"Someone has to save you from yourself." I could hear his smile. "Gods knows you do the same for me."

No, I thought bitterly, I was about to do something awful to you. My well laid idiotic plans. Why seduction, Loki? Why such a foolish path? The buried want and longing swelled up in me, doubled after being so long buried and forgotten. I wanted all of Thor with all the greed and selfishness that that suggested.

I reached out, groping until I found Thor’s chin and cupped his face in my palm.

"You can't see me, but I'm looking straight into your eyes.” I pulled in a deep breath. "I promise I will always save you from yourself and from others, if it's in my power to do so. No matter what happens, no matter what becomes of us."

"I vow the same thing, Loki. I promise." Solemn and heavy, he was in deadly earnest.

I don't want to tell you the rest. The moment should end there, fading to credits like on some terrible cheesy movie. We should grow up still further as brothers, unchanged from one stupid trip.

Instead, the unthinkable. Thor closed the small gap between us and touched his lips to mine.

He quickly pulled away as if burned. I barely knew what had happened. My mind raced, using the precious few seconds before the fallout to evaluate.

Everything fell into place. I should have known Thor’s rage was out of proportion. The flush when we talked about about intimacy, Thor’s coy sideways compliments, the lover gone unmentioned, the constant touching... How could I have been so stupid? Blinded by my own belief that I alone could suffer from such perverse thoughts.

Already I could see how this would end though, Thor in tearful confession to Father and who would pay the price? Loki. Unfavored, perverted Loki.

Gods though... how I wanted it. I wanted Thor on his knees before me. I wanted him in my thrall, bound by desire to me for however long this lasted. To own my brother so completely, to posses all that wild strength and beauty would surely fill the empty ache I carried. I had tasted what I wanted and now, I was a wolf with the smell of blood in its nose.

"Loki...I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Shut up." I held him fast, one hand clamped to his shoulder, the other still on his face.

I got on my knees and pressed forward, drawing him into a passionate biting kiss that left nothing unsaid. I wanted to cleanse myself of all previous kisses, few though they may be. Each press of lips drew me forward until I straddled his lap, one of his arms wrapped around my waist. It felt oddly safe.

“Loki, we can't do this." He pulled away, suddenly all protest.

"Why not?" I snapped, annoyed at the pause.

"You're a man.”

“Yes, I’d noticed.”

“You’re my _brother. It's...it's unnatural." Thor was trembling, but compassion has never been my strong point._

"Why?"

"Are you seriously asking me that?"

"I am, yes." I moved my hand to the back of Thor’s neck, carding soft hair between my fingers. "We’re two sides of a coin you and I. What could be more natural than us coming together?”

"...Loki..." Thor softened underneath me, melting a little. Victory was near.

"Thor." I practically purred in return. "I can have my first time here with you or I can find someone else. I would prefer it to be with you… if you're still disgusted, we can end it there, but I want your hands to be the first to touch me."

"I'm not disgusted, Loki...you're..." Thor laughed shakily. "I'm going to Nifleheim, because of you, you know."

"If you go, I go to." I smoothed my hands over Thor's neck and back, anxious to feel him, to feel wanted again. “Please...”

The please did it. The kiss stretched longer this time, a long exploration that left me dizzy and hungry for more. Thor’s hands fumbled for the edge of my tunic, tugging it up and over my head, mouth moving to suck at a collar bone. Greedily, I picked at Thor’s clothing, making soft demanding sounds until I could press my hands to his bare skin. Muscle flexed under my fingers speaking of restraint and longing.

"Talk to me." Thor demanded as he kissed my neck, worrying at the skin with his teeth.

"What do I say?" I laughed breathlessly."Yes, like that..."

"Things like that. You don't know what you sound like." Obligingly, Thor bit down harder.

"It’s not what I imagined.” I managed.

"How long have you been thinking about this, Loki? Doing this with me?" Thick fingers tangled into my hair, pulling my head back to give Thor accesses to my throat. It should have felt vulnerable, but I had never felt more powerful.

"That depends." I suppressed a moan, honesty welling out of me. "Fully aware, an hour. In the back of my mind? Possibly years."

"I thought I was sick." Thor whispered into my skin. "I am sick."

The confession seemed only to spur him on though. He shifted, laying me down against the cold stone and bracing himself over me, our bodies barely touching.

"You aren't sick, don't stop." I slurred between kisses, bracing my hands against Thor's shoulders. My words had left my control and as his hands ghosted over me, I kept repeating: "Don't stop, please don’t stop.”

Nonsense rolled out of me even as Thor’s fingers deftly undid the lacing of my pants and drew out my weeping erection. It felt nothing like when I took myself in hand. His hands were calloused and warm, stroking me with the same steady confidence he showed in battle. Everything shook apart inside of me and my hands moved restlessly, gripping at Thor’s shoulders, arms and hair in wildly. Each long stroke drove me closer to madness.

"Please." I heard my own senseless rambling. "Please..please…"

When Thor stopped moving, I nearly screamed.

"Can you make something slick?” Thor asked as if we suddenly had all the time in the world. “It would make this better for you...”

“Have you ever known me to make to something tangible?” The growl that came out of me was new and fierce. “I swear to every ancestor we have that if you don't finish what you're doing, I will make you wish you were dead."

"You make fire..." Thor laughed lightly and leaned down to kiss me thoroughly, hand still not moving. Instead he removed it entirely, moving to brush kisses over my chest.

"It's not real fire." I panted, harnessing my irritation only barely. "It's only a cheap trick. Do something...please, I’m dying..."

The last thing I expected was for Thor to take me into his mouth. The sensation undid me entirely. I wished for light. I wanted to see this surrender, this act of worship and brand the memory onto my flesh. The shuddering power of my pleasure shook me apart and I came with a hoarse ungainly groan.

"All right?" Thor loomed over me, breath loud in the dark.

"Kiss me." I demanded, ignoring my blissed body that wanted only to lie there. Greedily, I reached up and pulled Thor down to me. "Then tell me how to do that to you."

An hour later we would stumble free from the cave, all blushes and wrinkled clothing. Thor would walk crisply ahead of me as if determined to leave it all behind. He wouldn’t be able to though, glancing frequently back over his shoulder at me, a faint smile lingering on his lips. We would return to our camp at his decision and hike silently home. All the while my body would hum with remembered pleasure and my mind whirling with how to achieve it again.

At that moment though, I knew nothing of what was to come. I only wanted to please him and I’d like to think I did. That was too much detail wasn't it? Sorry, sorry...you look flushed. I'll get you a glass of water and make us some sandwiches. Do we have any turkey left?


	4. Immortal, Guilty, but to Me the Entirely Beautiful

Better? Good. Finish your sandwich or you’ll be whining about low blood sugar later. I'll skip the sex for the rest of it, I was just making a point. Ok! Ok! I won't skip it, stop hitting me you mental patient! Where was I? Right, right.

We danced carefully around each other after we returned from our trip. All the adolescent mooniness I had skipped over as a child came over me at once. My thoughts were dominated by him, the smell of his skin lingered on mine and sudden heat would press at my skin when I remembered his touch. I wanted him with me all the time, close and available. When he was close, I wanted to cut him open and climb under his skin.

I didn’t claim any of this was healthy.

The overwhelming desire rendered me stupid and mute. I let him run from me at every turn, his guilt and want clearly written all over him. Too addled to give chase, I waited patiently like a sated spider in its web. During those long patient days, I had a dream. In it, I cracked open his chest and took his still beating heart in my hand. Carefully, I wrote my name deep into the bleeding flesh, before tenderly replacing it and closing the wound.

“I fear when you smile.” Sif grumbled over breakfast the next morning.

I had begun appearing again at their practices, reintegrating myself. I needed his friends to pull me back to the fold, a conciliatory gesture that would mean something to him. None of them had guessed at my motives, their egos easily explaining that they were too interesting to be ignored for long, despite my years of absence.

“As you should.” My soft private grin easily turned hard and sly.

“What were you thinking about?” She passed the plate of flatbread steaming and stuffed with meat. My usually picky appetite relented a little and I took one for myself. “You looked almost as if you were happy.”

“Trick of the light. I was only thinking that it has been some time since you and I sparred.”

“For good reason.” She snorted indelicately. Across the table, Thor eyed us both with wariness usually reserved for small animals that hear the scream of a hawk. “I don’t want to end the afternoon wiping princely blood off my hands.”

“You would have to catch me first.” I nipped at the edge of the bread and found the texture unpleasant. Bloodied juice trickled over my fingers.

“A game then.” She proposed, bright-eyed. “I’ll give chase and you try to hide.”

“I’ll join in.” Fandral laughed. “It should prove good sport to have such smart prey.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.” I licked the drippings from my fingers, flickering the tip of my tongue along the tips. Across the table, Thor’s cheeks flushed. “What are the victory conditions then?”

“First blood!” Volstagg called from behind his mug of ale. Early in the day to be starting.

“In a game among friends?” Thor cut in, eyes darting worriedly to me.

“Come now, brother. Do you think your friends aren’t up to the challenge?” I raised an eyebrow.

“He’s not a babe.” Volstagg agreed and for a moment, I nearly liked him. “Let him risk a drop of blood or two like a real man.”

“If you don’t like it, you don’t have to play.” Fandral nudged Hogun, who nodded grimly. Then again, he did everything grimly. “Let the rest of us have our fun.”

“Of course, I’ll play. The rest of you don’t stand a chance.” Thor grinned at me. “I know his secrets.”

“In a half-hour then.” I rose from the table. “I will stay on the practice grounds. Other than that, I make no promises.”

“Why do you get a head start then?” Fandral whined.

“I am the fox and you the hounds, correct?” I started from the room. “The fox always hears the call of the hunters before the games begin.”

I thought it was a good speech, even if it was lost on them. Really I just needed to go back to my rooms to arm myself with a few key things, before heading to the grounds to survey them. I was painfully familiar with the packed dirt and sloping auditorium seats on all sides. I choose my starting spot with care, an alcove where dulled weapons were kept for students too poor to have their own. Mirror copies of myself spilled forward, taking obvious and hidden positions all around the arena. They didn’t move much, but they looked lifelike enough. When I had two dozen or more in place, I rolled a fog out onto the field. The sun was too high to obscure as much as I liked, but it would halt their progress. As I worked, I heard them arriving, shouting to each other through the fog. Then silence. The game was on.

Volstagg was easy. His heavy jangling footsteps yelling his presence to me. I held my dagger to his throat in a matter of minutes, the tiny cut sufficing to send him out of the game with a goodhearted grumble.

I walked carefully through my fog, darting out of reach whenever I heard footsteps. A glimpse of red drew me out to press against Thor’s back, mouth to his ear.

“Hello, darling. One down.”

“Loki!” Thor whirled on me, but I was already gone.

I reached into my pocket and drew out a whistle, piercing the air with it’s eerie cry. To some, it might sound like a woman calling their name plaintively. It was the kind of illusion that only worked on a certain kind of ego. Fandral chased in dizzying circles until I tripped him into the mud to put him out of his misery. My knife pricked his arm.

“Cheat.” He turned to look at me. “Cheat and a liar.”

“Find new slander, the old bores me.” I winked. “No one likes a bad sport.”

“He’s over here!” Fandral cried.

“Who’s cheating now?” I growled. “You’re out of the game.”

“I liked it better when you were too good for us.” He got off the ground, nose in the air.

Sif, Hogun and Thor must be closing in now. I jumped to the lowest level of seats, leaping from row to row. A hand reached for my shoulder and I stopped dead in my tracks, ducking low. The pursuer tripped over my prone form. As they tumbled over me, I caught a familiar scent. I found my feet more readily, smiling down at Thor.

“Two out, dear heart.” I leaned down to brush a kiss over his lips and delighted to see him shiver.

“What game are you playing at?” Thor reached for me, but I was clear of his hands an instant too fast.

“The only one that matters.” I swung under the seats, dropping to the ground below. The fog hadn’t reached under the stands and I was able to see Hogun coming. It was a lucky break as he was the only one of Thor’s friends capable of stealth and subtly. He bore down on me, mace swinging ominously from one hand. “Hello, there.”

“Loki.” He nodded at me in greeting, before charging. I spilled forward another wall of doubles, using them as a shield. He slowed, judging his swing. By the time he was ready to take a blow, my dagger danced over his wrist.

“Fairly done.” Hogun pressed a hand to the sluggishly bleeding cut.

“Well played to you as well.” I didn’t have the time for further niceties. Sif could not be far, may even be watching. I dropped a small dark ball to the ground, pleased with the dank black smoke that swallowed me. Under it’s foul cover, I crept back onto the training ground. I held myself still, breathing shallowly.

I saw the tip of her sword first, glinting as she held it in front of her. I stepped as quietly as I could to the side and watched in amusement as she walked right past me. The tiny dart flew from my fingertips. I heard her curse and slap at her neck.

“Nasty insects this time of year.” I laughed in the fog.

“Ha!” She turned quickly, blade snaked to to my throat. Her work was perfect, a painless slice that dripped heat down my neck. “I win.”

“The drop of blood on your neck disagrees.”

Eyes narrowing, she put her hand to her neck and it came away dark with blood.

“You were the one that taught me to change weapons.” I held up my hands in mock surrender. “And it doesn’t violate the rules.”

The sword lowered and she flashed me a dangerous smile.

“We’ll try again tomorrow without the smoke and mirrors and see how you fare.” She warned.

“You would win.” I assured her, soothing her ruffled feathers. “But not today.”

“No, I suppose not.” She ceded the field with a mocking bow.

It was only a matter of time now. I didn’t bother disguising my breath or stilling my fidgets. I intended to be found. I prepared myself for him. When Thor practically tripped over me, I slide easily into his arms.

“Are you naked?” He sputtered. “Have you gone mad?”

“Four down, my love.” I reached up to brush the hair from his face, pricking him with the pin I had secreted under one nail. A tiny drop of blood welled above his eyebrow. “Now, five. I think I deserve my prize, don’t you?”

“What would you claim as your prize?” He asked throatily, expression warring between anger and lust.

“You.” I leaned up to kiss him and was well pleased when he did not rebuff me. “I would have you in my rooms tonight, not hiding from me like you have been.”

“Did you plan this?” He demanded.

“No. But wouldn’t it be amazing if I had?” I kissed him once more, before slipping away.

The next few hours I spent in anxious pacing, unable to fix on a book or spell to distract me. I bathed until my skin was an angry pink. I tried to eat, but the food sat uneasily in me and I resigned myself to waking up later to nibble at it again. Cursing my fickle stomach, I dressed and undressed unable to decide how to greet him. I wished that someone had written down the rules of sex so that I might memorize and break each of them.

I stormed out the balcony, half-dressed and barefoot, with the intention of letting the scenery calm me. Naturally, Thor stood there, facing my door as if waiting for me to come out. More likely waiting for the courage to come in. He hadn’t changed from the training grounds and my nose twitched at the rich smell of him.

“Hello.” His hand rose up to my face, hesitantly brushing an errant lock of hair behind my ear.

“Thor.” All my earlier bravado in the fog gone now that I could see him clearly. Nerves twitched my fingers and dried my throat.

“I don’t want anyone else to have you.” He said as if we’d been having an ongoing conversation. “It’s wrong to want that and I don’t...I can’t forget that, but by the gods, I do.”

“I’m yours then.” I turned back into my rooms, leaving my door open.

For a moment, I was sure he would not follow. Then I heard his step and the closing of the door. Relief spiraled through me, turning to lust when he pulled me to him and kissed me there in the light. The candles caught his face and hair, burnishing his skin bronze and copper. He sighed against my lips, walking us backwards towards my too long empty bed.

“All of you.” He repeated into the feverish kiss. “Promise me that it’s all.”

“There’s no one else.” I sank down against the feather mattress. “Meaningless kisses, already forgotten.”

“I’ll make it good.” He swore, bringing my hand to his mouth and kissing my knuckles.

“I want something in return.” I gripped him closer, winding my legs around the backs of his thighs.

“What? Anything.”

“I want all of you.” I leaned up to lick his lower lip, the one that taunted me whenever he licked it. “Everything.”

“Yes.” He kissed me hard, tumbling us both down. “Everything.”

I almost came from the slick unfettered joy of that promise. Everything I wanted. I could take from him, take and take and he would give. His attention, his affection, his body, all of it was mine. That I had made a reciprocal promise was far from my thoughts.

We rolled on the bed, playful in our lust. Clothes fell away from us and the hot brand of his erection on my thigh brought a groan to my throat. Too often had I heard the terrible laughing jokes about men who acted like women, too often had I flinched from insults that were not even directed at me. How unconsciously these ugly men had told me what two men could do together, how our bodies could fit. I wanted that, demanded it of him, maneuvering until he couldn’t mistake my desire.

“Are you sure?” He asked, still the protective older brother.

“You’re going to have to hurt me.” I warned. “If you want it to be you. Can you do that without dying of guilt or shame?”

“It’ll be hard.” He looked grave, but surprised me by leaning down to nibble at my throat. “I’ll only die if I don’t make you forget the pain with the pleasure of it.”

I reached for the glass ampule that I had filled with cooking oil years before for my own lonely nights. When we had returned from the caves, I had topped it off and experimented in ways I had not before. I knew what to expect. I was prepared.

“Not yet.” He laughed setting it aside. “I may not know this dance with men, but I’m sure some of it is the same. Roll over.”

I moved, not willing to contradict him until I was sure I would get what I wanted. When his hands sank into my back, I almost flinched away. Then his fingers dug in and he messaged me so thoroughly that my previously unbearable arousal faded into the background. Sure hands moved over my shoulders and back, working at tension that had built up over years. The bed shuddered under him as he moved down to dig into my thighs and calves. By the time he reached my feet, I was boneless and every inch of my skin sang from his touch.

When he finished, he moved back up the bed to speak into my ear,

“You’re beautiful.” His deep voice stirred my faded arousal. “I hope when this over, you don’t feel as though I’ve defiled you.”

Which one of us was defiling whom? I tried to remember that this was my show, my plan, but it was difficult.

“I’m not a holy virgin.” I tried to snap, but it came out fond. “I waited because it didn’t matter and now it does. So...”

“So what?” He reached over me for the oil, rolling the glass between his palms.

“So it’s you. That’s what matters.”

“I don’t know if I can live up to whatever fantasies you’ve conjured.” He teased, opening the bottle’s stiff cork.

“How do you know I’ve been fantasizing?”

“Because you never do anything without researching and practicing first.” The oil slicked his hand and he leaned down to kiss me again. “Did you use this little bottle? It doesn’t seem full.”

“I practiced.” I admitted, pleased by the hunger in his eyes. This was already far better than darkness. His face was an open book to me. “I slid my fingers into myself. It was strange at first. Then it was good. Then it was very good.”

“I’m much bigger than these.” He picked up my hand, oil slicking both of us now and sucked one finger into his mouth. His teeth scrapped over my skin and I had to bite my lip to keep from groaning.

“Don’t try to protect me from this.” I warned, even as I moaned. “I want this.”

“Brat.” He nipped at one fingertip sending an electric currant down my spine.

“Insulting me in bed doesn’t turn me on, you know.”

“Would you rather I heap love and affection on you?” He laughed, watching my face contort to say no and yes at the same time.

“Worship me like the god I am.” I scolded.

“I already do that.” He sucked at my wrist and somehow he made that feel good though it should have been strange.

“When was this? I must have missed it.” I tried to laugh, but it came out in weak gusts.

“You must not have been paying attention.” He abandoned my arm to silence me with a kiss. A good thing as I had many questions and they would have hampered the proceedings.

Instead we kissed as his slick hand drew a meandering path to my erection. He took me in hand, toying with the sensitive head as I stuttered protests into his mouth. Reluctantly, he continued downward, cupping my balls and caressing the smooth skin of my thigh. By the time a slick finger started to draw circles around my puckered hole, I was half-mad.

“Yes.” I breathed over his lips, leaning upwards to beg for another kiss. I got one even as he slide his first finger into me. Breath punched out of me, but when he move subtly, a bright spark of pleasure made up for it. “There...please...”

He worked me for what felt like hours. One finger stroking me from the inside, while he taught me all the pleasures of a kiss. The second finger ached, but not enough for it me to show it and he pressed onward. The third hurt enough that I cried out against him. He didn’t stop and I cursed him loudly for that even as I spread my legs wider for him. The pain was a kind of pleasure, the burning stretch a terse reminder of everything I was getting.

“I want to...” He trailed off, eyes as glazed as I thought mine might be. “Can I?”

“You promised me.” I growled. “Everything.”

He rolled me over as if I weighed nothing at all, parting my legs with his own. My hands fisted into the sheets. The head of his cock was impossibly large and I bit my arm to keep from screaming. Sweat broke out all over my body and tears pricked my eyes. It was too much, too impossible. I opened my mouth to tell him to stop when his arm came across my chest and pulled me up, my back pressed to him.

“Amazing.” He told me, his words moving over my skin. “Do you know how you look like this? Like you were made for me.”

He kissed my neck and reached down to wrap around my cock, stroking it slowly. The pain started to fade, leaving only a dull stretching ache behind. He kept talking as he brought my erection back and even as he started to thrust into me. On each thrust the pain returned, but weaker and weaker each time. When he shifted slightly, the bright spark of pleasure returned.

“There! Like that.” I demanded and after that there was only pleasure, wiping away all memory of the pain.

I came with wrenching scream, head on his shoulder as he whispered obscene compliments into my ear. He kept thrusting and I lay limp against him, panting and blissful. When he finished nearly sobbing into my back, we both fell to the dirtied sheets.

Needless to say our affair began in earnest after that. Looking back, it’s amazing that neither of us thought deeply about the matter again. It's as if all our reservations washed away once we indulged in each other. The next few months were punctuated with beautiful sweat soaked nights and the occasional risky day time assignations.

When we weren’t together, I renewed my attentions to study. My sorcery grew by leaps and bounds spurred by a fresh conviction. With Thor at my beck and call, I no longer needed to compete for the throne. Let him take the seat and I would stand behind him, my every whisper heeded and made law. For the first time, I believed my future was sure.

That was my crime, Darcy. Not that I seduced him, not that I kept him, but that even at the hour of our greatest happiness, I thought only of myself and what I was to gain. That I will regret no matter what Thor has come here to say. Given how we parted, I would assume that he may be here to kill me. Put away the tasar. It wouldn’t work on him anyway. Just sit and listen to the rest. If he wants to end my life here and now, you can trust that I may yet talk my way out of it.


	5. Without Apology

“The stars are few tonight.” I mused, languidly trailing a hand over his bare chest. We lay out on the balcony, clothes long ago tossed aside and the demands of our bodies well fulfilled. Soon we would retire to our separate beds to let the sun and servants find us chaste in the morning.

“There’s a storm coming.” He laughed, capturing my hand in his. “I had nothing to do with it, if that’s what you mean.”

“No, I only thought-”

The subtle crackle of power was as familiar as a paternal hand on my shoulder. Why had we not heard him coming?

“Loki.” Father had a way with disappointment that made you feel ashamed before he spoke a word of condemnation. “I had thought your casual perversions of youth long over....and this...this unspeakable thing. How dare you drag your brother into the mud to rut with like an animal!”

“Father!” Thor was on his feet, not stopping to cover himself. “Loki has done no such-”

“I was not speaking to you.” Odin held up a hand that stopped Thor as effectively as a wall. “You, I will deal with later. Do not think I believe you free of blame in this.”

“Father, please-”

“Clothe yourself.” He commanded, looking away from me. "You shame us all with your nudity."

I dressed quickly, intensely aware of Thor next to me doing the same. I didn’t dare to look directly at him.

“Loki, you will never know how much we tried to give you a good and healthy life.” Father said when I stood before him covered. “I have looked the other way many times and hoped that you would mature into the man I thought you could become. Yet, you remain ever a callous, malignant child. I cannot hope to make a clearheaded judgment as to your fate today, the sickness your actions give me, the deep perversion of the bond between brothers would have me kill you where you stand.”

“No!” Thor lunged forward. “You cannot!”

“Silence!” Thunder rolled over head. “I would not take the life of one I have loved so well, you foolish boy. Loki, I imprison you, your punishment to be decided on the morrow.”

One moment I stood before my father and the next, I was surrounded by stonewalls. I had never thought about where one would imprison one of our kind, but this made a terrible sense. No exits or entrances, only Odin to remove or place a body there. I must admit that I spent the first few hours there frantic. I tore at the walls, screamed until I was hoarse and tried to dig at the floor. All to no avail.

Intellectually, I knew all was lost, but I could not help to seek a way out. What explanations, spells and conjuring I imagined that night are thankfully lost to me. All I know was that they were of the darkest sort. They worked on me, those dark possibilities and I dismissed them carefully one by one until I was left with a terrible truth.

I could do nothing. I would do nothing. A callous child was what Father had called me. A child would protest, point fingers and go down with a whimper. That day I would be a man if only for my own tattered pride.

When I was at last removed from the cell, my resolve had turned to iron. Unseen guards brought me to the throne room, emptied of onlookers but for Father, Mother and Thor. My brother sat on the steps leading up the throne, shoulders bowed as if under a tremendous weight. When I appeared, he looked up at me and I could not read what emotion tore at him. Mother stared over my shoulder at some distant unseeable thing. Only Father looked me in the eye.

“I have thought long about this. You cannot remain in Asgard.” He stepped toward me. “Not many prisons could hold you as you are nor do I wish to condemn you to a life on a bleak lifeless world.”

He reached forward as if to lay a hand on my chest and kept going, his hand penetrating through me as if I were only smoke. This unspeakable violation I could feel in every detail as his fingers wrapped around something deep and intrinsic...and pulled. Only my new found resolve kept me upright as he tore something precious from me. His hand reappeared empty and limp, but I knew that I had been robbed.

“What have you done?” I gasped, pressing my hands to the spot.

“You will be mortal now.” He intoned then turned to Thor. “As we spoke of. Rise and do your duty.”

Thor got up slowly, almost painfully. I saw no mark of injury in him, but when he finally stood before me his eyes were red rimmed. When he spoke, it was if he were drugged. Each word fell from his mouth molasses slow and pained.

“Goodbye, Loki. I...repute you. You are not my brother.”

“I repute you.” My mother said softly. “You are not my son.”

“I repute you.” Odin sat on his throne. “You are not my son.”

After that the walk to the Bifrost passed almost unnoticed. I was cut loose from my family and whatever followed couldn’t possibly measure up to that as a punishment. To have Thor look me in the eye and deny me our fraternity was the worst thing they could have done to me.

You know all that came after that. It’s possible to get up and walk away from that deadly a blow. Sif used to say that I had endless lives and maybe she was right. Perhaps I should have died that day when I landed here or at least given in to despair. I saw no gain in it. Living here against all my expectations has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.


	6. Epilogue

Darcy made them tea and toast, both their stomachs tender from his long confession. They sat together at the kitchen table, watching the first traces of dawn creep through the window.

“If he was going to kill you, why now after so long?” She asked finally, blowing steam from her cup.

“I assume that Odin has spent a lot of time convincing him of my evil ways.” He rubbed his forehead. “I don’t know, none of it makes sense.”

“I can’t believe you had sex with your brother.” She made a face. “That’s just gross. I mean...hot, but gross.”

“You were disturbingly interested in the details, but hot?” He laughed weakly. “You’re joking right?”

“He’s a beefcake and you know I think you’re pretty.” She shrugged. “Look, I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m not a fan of what you guys did, but I think your dad is a deranged psychopath for punishing you the way he did. You weren’t hurting each other or anything, no matter what you say. You were just in love or whatever.”

He froze, staring at her across the table unblinkingly.

“Oh, come on Ja-Loki, damn that’s going to take some getting used to. You're really going to sit there and tell me this whole epic story and pretend that the whole thing was about power? It’s pretty obvious you were both insane about each other.” She shook her head. “Men.”

“No..I...”

“This girl is wise, Loki.” Thor stirred on the couch, eyes struggling to open. “You should listen to her.”

Loki walked to the couch uneasily, standing ready to run.

“I came for you.” Thor reached a hand up towards him. “Father closed one way to me, but there are others. Hidden, secret ways.”

Loki grasped the outstretched hand, holding it tightly in his own.

“Why?”

“I love you, Loki. You’re a part of me.”

“Oh.” His legs took the news badly, dropping Loki to his knees. “You helped to cast me out.”

“Nothing I said was untrue. Loki, there are things you need to know.” He coughed and Loki flinched at this weakness. What had Thor gone through in his absence? “You really aren’t my brother. Father told me after he imprisoned you. You’re not even Asgardian.”

“Then what am I?” He swallowed. “Is that why I never...why I never fit in?”

“Father found you in a temple after the war with Jotunheim, an abandoned son of the frost king himself.” Tenderly, Thor caressed Loki’s face. “He adopted you, I think mostly out of kindness, but there were other, darker motives.”

“Jotunheim.” Loki repeated dumbly, one hand reflexively going to his chest. “That’s what Odin did to me. He locked down my true self. My magic...all my true abilities were a part of my real heritage.”

“Oh, hey that’s kind of good news right?” Darcy smiled brightly. “It means you guys aren’t really related so the ick factor goes down like twenty percent.”

“Not the time, Darcy.” Loki laid his forehead against the couch cushion. “I can’t believe it.”

“Oh well, sorry.'scuse me for living.” She snorted. “Look, you guys work it out, I’m going to bed since it’s like dawn. Explain it to me over lunch tomorrow.”

When she was gone, Loki slowly raised his head again. The tender expression on Thor’s face sent shivers down his spine.

“You looked for me.” He managed. “You nearly died.”

“I didn’t want to live without you.” Thor shrugged as if this was as simple and obvious as breathing.

“I used you.” Loki choked, pressing his lips to Thor's captured fingers.

“You loved me. Love me still, I hope.”

“How can you know that?” He protested. “You don’t know what I thought, what I planned...”

“Yes, your very dangerous plans of helping me rule Asgard without burning it to the ground.” Thor shook his head. “I learned a long time ago that the God of Lies often deceives even himself. You risked everything to be with me, came up with insane plans to catch me up when you already owned every part of me. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.“

“That’s not love, it’s obsession.” Loki countered, but it lost it’s sting as he leaned forward and kissed Thor. Time had not dulled the intense desire he had for him and the kiss burned through them both.

“No one knows I have come, but I have spent this year paving the way to return you to Asgard. There are those that will accept you and we will find a way return your power. Now that you know it’s origins, you may even be stronger.” Thor began immediately, struggling to sit up. “We can make haste and return in a matter of hours now that the path is clear.”

“Home?” Loki looked at him baffled. “Thor, this is my home.”

“Don’t be foolish.” Thor looked dismissively around the cluttered little apartment. “You are still a Prince of Asgard, your place is by my side when the crown comes to me, not in this terrible exile.”

“I have friends, a job, school...people that care about me.” Loki couldn’t let go of Thor’s hand, the warmth was a seductive promise, but he would be damned if he would let Thor take control of his life. “I see no reason to leave, especially not to return to a place where I will have to fight every step of the way for my right to exist.”

“What about me?” Thor pleaded. “Loki, please...I need you.”

“Stay with me.” The idea was ludicrous and terrible. Loki didn't care. “Stay with me, here, for a little while. You need to rest and heal, anyway. Stay a little longer and we can figure it out.”

“I am very tired.” Thor sagged back against the cushions.

Loki rose intending to get Thor something to drink, but their locked hands prevented him. Reluctantly, he let Thor draw him forward. They lay tangled together on the couch for a long time, their breath slowly synchronizing into sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't like commenting on AO3? Hop over to LJ and leave a note: [Feed the Authors](http://dragons-muse.livejournal.com/65613.html?mode=reply#add_comment")


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